if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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