All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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