they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize