I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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