Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
