I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
