That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
