She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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