If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
