Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
