i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
