based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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