I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's blow job season.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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