...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
