Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
