I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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