oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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