Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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