Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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