I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
