my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
