Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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