so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
