: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize