Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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