i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
