i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
