Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
