How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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