You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
