hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you win again, gameday.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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