If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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