Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
