I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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