Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize