I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
