bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
