I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
