rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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