roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
