I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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