I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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