i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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