made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's the barista slut.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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