Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
