I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
