I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
