i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
