I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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