note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
