My hand turned me down
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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