I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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