Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I enjoy the company of your penis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
