Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
