your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I bet he comes in French.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
