I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
