i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
