doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
