i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
