why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize