Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
