she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
