If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
