I'm so fucking centered right now
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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