I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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