i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
